“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."

I have been drinking poison.  This is so very true.  I've felt angry and resentful for over a YEAR!  Awful.  Just awful.  Forgiveness might have saved me some trouble.  I know I need to move on and I know I need to forgive to be able to do that.  But, I can't.  I just can't forgive.  I still feel so much hate.  How does one forgive someone and stop hating them?  I cannot imaging doing it right now.  I understand I need to for myself, but I just can't see how to do it.

How do I forgive a person who tried to assault me, repeatedly?

Connecting the past to the present

That is what I am working through.  I am not entirely clear on the concept, but I am slowly unraveling things and putting them together.

My anger and sadness over the past year is primarily a product of the past, brought on by events that occurred over the previous year.  Now all of that makes sense.  What my "brother" did last year wasn't really what made me feel so bad.  It was how everyone else reacted (supporting the golden one) and then how it reminded me of the way I was treated as a child.  It also brought up a few conversations about how he abused me (physically) and whether or not this was normal "boys will be boys" or something bad.  My therapist says it's not normal, and everyone I informally polled about their experiences with their siblings thought it went well beyond normal fights.  And, it did.  My brother is a violent person.  Both in words and deeds.  My therapist continues to assert that further contact with him would probably not be a good idea.  And, I agree.  Finally.  I've not initiated any contact with him in 9 months.  He called me one time so I could talk to his kids (ugh...I don't like those kids).  I've not initiated a phone call with my sister or my mom in many months either.  My mom still calls me, and frankly I've no desire to cut off contact with her.  Sister doesn't call and you know, that's fine. 

"You're not a mother...

you wouldn't understand."  Good grief!  Is there any more offensive thing to say to someone who doesn't have children?  It's as if unless you've squeezed out a baby you are too stupid to understand simple emotions!  My mother said this to me and I really did just want to get up and walk out.  She fails to understand how obnoxious that sounds.  We were discussing my brother and how he wants everyone to do things for him for free and agree with him.  She thinks if I were a mother I would understand why it was OK for him to behave like a jerk.  I don't think I would want the world to revolve around me if I were a mother.  And I fail to understand how any person's lifestyle choices should obligate others.

I was raised by and with people who can't see beyond their own noses.  How did I ever make it out alive?  Raised by wolves...

Lonely and afraid...

I am feeling so low.  I would like to shake this off and move beyond it but I can't seem to.  I have lost what I never had again.  Why does that hurt so much?  I suppose I created a completely fake version of my family that loved me so I wouldn't feel so sad and alone.  Now, I have lost that and I just feel so sad.  Why am I worth so little to them?

I know in my head that I am a worthy person, but my heart just doesn't feel it.  I know in my head that I am capable, functional and responsible - there are many people in my life who seem to think so.  They employ me, befriend me.  But none of those people are related to me.  Maybe that's the answer...stay away from people related to me.  Perhaps they are the ones who are not worthy?

Better to do a kindness near home than walk a thousand miles to burn incense.  I need to focus on the home I have, not the one I never had.  I need to feel sad for that little girl I was and then tell her it will be OK.  That her worth is not determined by those people.  I want her to understand that she did not cause it, couldn't control it and can't fix it now.  I would tell her she is worthy of love, that she deserves to be treated well.  Her sadness is keeping her from living the life she wants to have.

Narcissistic Family System...

I read this article:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-portrait

It describes my family completely.  Particularly the lack of direct communication.  Yes, we communicate, but not to each other.  Generally about each other but not to each other.  But all of the article rings true. 

I think what is important for me to do is to accept that as a child I had no power to change how my family functioned.  And, as an adult I similarly do not have that power.  I cannot change my family of origin.  My fantasy family, the one I told myself I had, does not exist.  It never did, and it never will.  Thinking that if I just said or did the right thing that everything would suddenly turn out differently and that I'd have the loving, warm family I'd always hoped for was dysfunctional.  If I am going to create the warm and loving family I want, then giving up the fantasy family of origin is necessary.  Painful, but very necessary.

I'm not sure what the road ahead holds, but it has to be better than the one I've travelled.  I feel sometimes like I've survived my life, but not really lived. it.  That is sad.  I want better for myself.  I think I deserve better.  I hope I can figure out how to move beyond all of this to a better place.

Treading water...

That's what I am still doing.  I continue to be stuck.  I continue to feel hatred (yes, hatred) for my mother, sister and brother.  Stepping back has not helped me.  I am still going to therapy weekly and trying to resolve this but I just feel more and more angry.  If I just dropped out I wonder if any of those people would even notice?  Doubtful.  The only people of significance in their narcissistic existences are themselves.  I think that says it all.  And, it also tells me that I need to just drop it, drop them.  I don't want to, but I cannot continue to let this occupy me.  It has me gutted.  I have to accept that these people do not know me, do not love me.  They are nothing to me and I to them.

God sends trials not to impair us,

but to improve us.  I hope that is true.  I am not sure the past year has done much to improve me, but maybe...

I don't think my giant step back from my family has done much to change my perspective.  Nor has it improved my feelings towards them.  So, I can only conclude that I am still missing something here.  It isn't yet resolved.  I still feel much animosity towards my mother, brother and sister.  It has me feeling guilty and uncomfortable.  Still, I want to just disappear from them.  Move away, leave no forwarding address.  If I could work it out, I would take a transfer out of the country.  Work-wise I could make it happen, however it would mean leaving my family of choice and I am not willing to do that.  Besides, part of the move would be running away and wherever you go, you take yourself with you.  So, I'd still have the same set of issues.  Also, I am about as far away from them as I can get and still be in the US and still I struggle.  An ocean would not change that.