but to improve us. I hope that is true. I am not sure the past year has done much to improve me, but maybe...
I don't think my giant step back from my family has done much to change my perspective. Nor has it improved my feelings towards them. So, I can only conclude that I am still missing something here. It isn't yet resolved. I still feel much animosity towards my mother, brother and sister. It has me feeling guilty and uncomfortable. Still, I want to just disappear from them. Move away, leave no forwarding address. If I could work it out, I would take a transfer out of the country. Work-wise I could make it happen, however it would mean leaving my family of choice and I am not willing to do that. Besides, part of the move would be running away and wherever you go, you take yourself with you. So, I'd still have the same set of issues. Also, I am about as far away from them as I can get and still be in the US and still I struggle. An ocean would not change that.
Showing posts with label Difficult family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Difficult family. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Half our trouble comes of wanting to have our own way...
and the other half is due to failure to face the facts.
I would very much like to have a different family. One that did not make me feel so anxious, like I must be perfect, do everything right and be the one who just takes it and never says anything.
I always go into a visit thinking (hoping) it will all be fine. It never is, never has been. I come home feeling sad, less, exhausted, tricked. I suppose it's me doing the tricking, because if I didn't I'd never see any of them. Because I hate how I feel about myself when I am around them.
But if I just walk away then what? I sometimes feel as though I'll be adrift in the world with nothing, no one. That isn't true though. I have a wonderful home with my partner of 11 years and our sassy girl dog. I like my job very much and I could not work for a better company. I enjoy my friends. We travel to places I love to go. Isn't that everything?
Why do I still want a family who actually cares about me? Why is that important? More important than what I am so very lucky to have? Maybe not more important, but high on the list none the less.
I would very much like to have a different family. One that did not make me feel so anxious, like I must be perfect, do everything right and be the one who just takes it and never says anything.
I always go into a visit thinking (hoping) it will all be fine. It never is, never has been. I come home feeling sad, less, exhausted, tricked. I suppose it's me doing the tricking, because if I didn't I'd never see any of them. Because I hate how I feel about myself when I am around them.
But if I just walk away then what? I sometimes feel as though I'll be adrift in the world with nothing, no one. That isn't true though. I have a wonderful home with my partner of 11 years and our sassy girl dog. I like my job very much and I could not work for a better company. I enjoy my friends. We travel to places I love to go. Isn't that everything?
Why do I still want a family who actually cares about me? Why is that important? More important than what I am so very lucky to have? Maybe not more important, but high on the list none the less.
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