Dysfunction junction...

I cannot believe how completely I have deceived myself in regards to my family of origin.  I know I did it to survive, but it is entirely heartbreaking to pick it all apart.  It just has me feeling entirely alone, because the reality is I don't have much of a family at all.  But, I never did so I suppose this is nothing new.  The new part is that I am admitting to myself that I've pretty much been family-less for 30 years now.  Part of me is very hurt and and very angry.  So, I am continuing my step-back.  I think I am going to be better off just standing in the distance from now on.  It is not what I want, but I can't continue to be responsible for 100% of all family relationships can I?  I need to see what is real and what is just my hope for a warm and wonderful family.  What a joke I am.  And, to top it off I can't shake the hate I feel for both of my siblings.  I am not sure I ever want to speak to either of them again.  But, never say never I suppose.  I can't predict the future, but it doesn't look good.