Half our trouble comes of wanting to have our own way...

and the other half is due to failure to face the facts.


I would very much like to have a different family.  One that did not make me feel so anxious, like I must be perfect, do everything right and be the one who just takes it and never says anything. 


I always go into a visit thinking (hoping) it will all be fine.  It never is, never has been.  I come home feeling sad, less, exhausted, tricked.  I suppose it's me doing the tricking, because if I didn't I'd never see any of them.  Because I hate how I feel about myself when I am around them. 

But if I just walk away then what?  I sometimes feel as though I'll be adrift in the world with nothing, no one.  That isn't true though.  I have a wonderful home with my partner of 11 years and our sassy girl dog.  I like my job very much and I could not work for a better company.  I enjoy my friends.  We travel to places I love to go.  Isn't that everything? 


Why do I still want a family who actually cares about me?  Why is that important?  More important than what I am so very lucky to have?  Maybe not more important, but high on the list none the less.