Lonely and afraid...

I am feeling so low.  I would like to shake this off and move beyond it but I can't seem to.  I have lost what I never had again.  Why does that hurt so much?  I suppose I created a completely fake version of my family that loved me so I wouldn't feel so sad and alone.  Now, I have lost that and I just feel so sad.  Why am I worth so little to them?

I know in my head that I am a worthy person, but my heart just doesn't feel it.  I know in my head that I am capable, functional and responsible - there are many people in my life who seem to think so.  They employ me, befriend me.  But none of those people are related to me.  Maybe that's the answer...stay away from people related to me.  Perhaps they are the ones who are not worthy?

Better to do a kindness near home than walk a thousand miles to burn incense.  I need to focus on the home I have, not the one I never had.  I need to feel sad for that little girl I was and then tell her it will be OK.  That her worth is not determined by those people.  I want her to understand that she did not cause it, couldn't control it and can't fix it now.  I would tell her she is worthy of love, that she deserves to be treated well.  Her sadness is keeping her from living the life she wants to have.

Narcissistic Family System...

I read this article:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-portrait

It describes my family completely.  Particularly the lack of direct communication.  Yes, we communicate, but not to each other.  Generally about each other but not to each other.  But all of the article rings true. 

I think what is important for me to do is to accept that as a child I had no power to change how my family functioned.  And, as an adult I similarly do not have that power.  I cannot change my family of origin.  My fantasy family, the one I told myself I had, does not exist.  It never did, and it never will.  Thinking that if I just said or did the right thing that everything would suddenly turn out differently and that I'd have the loving, warm family I'd always hoped for was dysfunctional.  If I am going to create the warm and loving family I want, then giving up the fantasy family of origin is necessary.  Painful, but very necessary.

I'm not sure what the road ahead holds, but it has to be better than the one I've travelled.  I feel sometimes like I've survived my life, but not really lived. it.  That is sad.  I want better for myself.  I think I deserve better.  I hope I can figure out how to move beyond all of this to a better place.

Treading water...

That's what I am still doing.  I continue to be stuck.  I continue to feel hatred (yes, hatred) for my mother, sister and brother.  Stepping back has not helped me.  I am still going to therapy weekly and trying to resolve this but I just feel more and more angry.  If I just dropped out I wonder if any of those people would even notice?  Doubtful.  The only people of significance in their narcissistic existences are themselves.  I think that says it all.  And, it also tells me that I need to just drop it, drop them.  I don't want to, but I cannot continue to let this occupy me.  It has me gutted.  I have to accept that these people do not know me, do not love me.  They are nothing to me and I to them.

God sends trials not to impair us,

but to improve us.  I hope that is true.  I am not sure the past year has done much to improve me, but maybe...

I don't think my giant step back from my family has done much to change my perspective.  Nor has it improved my feelings towards them.  So, I can only conclude that I am still missing something here.  It isn't yet resolved.  I still feel much animosity towards my mother, brother and sister.  It has me feeling guilty and uncomfortable.  Still, I want to just disappear from them.  Move away, leave no forwarding address.  If I could work it out, I would take a transfer out of the country.  Work-wise I could make it happen, however it would mean leaving my family of choice and I am not willing to do that.  Besides, part of the move would be running away and wherever you go, you take yourself with you.  So, I'd still have the same set of issues.  Also, I am about as far away from them as I can get and still be in the US and still I struggle.  An ocean would not change that.

Dysfunction junction...

I cannot believe how completely I have deceived myself in regards to my family of origin.  I know I did it to survive, but it is entirely heartbreaking to pick it all apart.  It just has me feeling entirely alone, because the reality is I don't have much of a family at all.  But, I never did so I suppose this is nothing new.  The new part is that I am admitting to myself that I've pretty much been family-less for 30 years now.  Part of me is very hurt and and very angry.  So, I am continuing my step-back.  I think I am going to be better off just standing in the distance from now on.  It is not what I want, but I can't continue to be responsible for 100% of all family relationships can I?  I need to see what is real and what is just my hope for a warm and wonderful family.  What a joke I am.  And, to top it off I can't shake the hate I feel for both of my siblings.  I am not sure I ever want to speak to either of them again.  But, never say never I suppose.  I can't predict the future, but it doesn't look good.

She's never going to...

be on my side.  Never.  She (my mother) is all about her crazy, narcissistic son.  Period.  She told me I needed to talk to my brother about the plans in his will to have me take care of his children.  He's not speaking to me right now, so why would I talk to him about it?  Frankly it doesn't change anything, because it's not as if I would refuse to do as the will asks.  That's really not bothering me, it's my mothers OBSESSION with making sure all is right in my brother's world.  Doesn't matter the cost to anyone else.  It's always been this way and apparently it always will be.

Dismantling my re-write of my childhood is painful. The made up story was so much nicer than the real deal.  I think it's just going to be tough going for a while.  But, I don't think I'd be here if I couldn't get through it.

I liked my life better before...

It was easier not to admit to myself that my childhood was painful.  Easier to pretend everything was OK.  Now I'm left with a bag of crap and I've got to deal with it. 

It is quite tempting to ask to transfer to an office out of the country.  I could make that happen. Just get as far away as possible.  Never see my family of origin again.  I know that's running away - so obvious. 

But, it's all just to painful to handle.  And it's too painful to not handle.  I know I need to let it all go.  There is nothing to be gained from hashing it out with a pack of narcissists.  But I feel so angry and so alone.  How will I turn it around and move on?  I know that I need to set some boundaries and hold to them.  I know I need to forget that about ever having that warm supportive family because I have not ever had that.  I think the boundary lies within me.  It's internal.  It's how much I leave myself open to them, how much I think I need their love and approval.  I know in my head that I don't need it live, but my heart keeps going back there.