Dysfunction junction...

I cannot believe how completely I have deceived myself in regards to my family of origin.  I know I did it to survive, but it is entirely heartbreaking to pick it all apart.  It just has me feeling entirely alone, because the reality is I don't have much of a family at all.  But, I never did so I suppose this is nothing new.  The new part is that I am admitting to myself that I've pretty much been family-less for 30 years now.  Part of me is very hurt and and very angry.  So, I am continuing my step-back.  I think I am going to be better off just standing in the distance from now on.  It is not what I want, but I can't continue to be responsible for 100% of all family relationships can I?  I need to see what is real and what is just my hope for a warm and wonderful family.  What a joke I am.  And, to top it off I can't shake the hate I feel for both of my siblings.  I am not sure I ever want to speak to either of them again.  But, never say never I suppose.  I can't predict the future, but it doesn't look good.

She's never going to...

be on my side.  Never.  She (my mother) is all about her crazy, narcissistic son.  Period.  She told me I needed to talk to my brother about the plans in his will to have me take care of his children.  He's not speaking to me right now, so why would I talk to him about it?  Frankly it doesn't change anything, because it's not as if I would refuse to do as the will asks.  That's really not bothering me, it's my mothers OBSESSION with making sure all is right in my brother's world.  Doesn't matter the cost to anyone else.  It's always been this way and apparently it always will be.

Dismantling my re-write of my childhood is painful. The made up story was so much nicer than the real deal.  I think it's just going to be tough going for a while.  But, I don't think I'd be here if I couldn't get through it.

I liked my life better before...

It was easier not to admit to myself that my childhood was painful.  Easier to pretend everything was OK.  Now I'm left with a bag of crap and I've got to deal with it. 

It is quite tempting to ask to transfer to an office out of the country.  I could make that happen. Just get as far away as possible.  Never see my family of origin again.  I know that's running away - so obvious. 

But, it's all just to painful to handle.  And it's too painful to not handle.  I know I need to let it all go.  There is nothing to be gained from hashing it out with a pack of narcissists.  But I feel so angry and so alone.  How will I turn it around and move on?  I know that I need to set some boundaries and hold to them.  I know I need to forget that about ever having that warm supportive family because I have not ever had that.  I think the boundary lies within me.  It's internal.  It's how much I leave myself open to them, how much I think I need their love and approval.  I know in my head that I don't need it live, but my heart keeps going back there. 

Still struggling with the drawer...

I can't get all the old family stuff back in the drawer.  But, at least I understand it better now.

I've always known I was raised by a pair of narcissists.  I just never quite understood how dysfunctional my family really was/is.  I suppose I can thank my brother and his treatment of me over the past 6 months for bringing it all up.

I thought it was normal for my brother to chase me with golf clubs trying to beat me up, for him to rip my clothes and jewelry and destroy my possessions...all because he was angry.  And what did my parents do?  Absolutely nothing.  I'm 6 years older so somehow I was supposed to diffuse the problem and deal with it non-violently.  No one ever protected me.  No one ever corrected him.  My mother told us, "little birds in their nest agree."  In other words, don't bother me with YOUR problems (it doesn't matter that we were 2 to 8 years old at the time). 

I thought that's how families were supposed to function.  My therapist recently informed me that this is absolutely not how it should have been and I was surprised.  I wish I could forget all about this.  It's not like I can be mad at my 72+ year old parents.  Somehow being mad at my brother for the old stuff seems unfair.  But, he is responsible for his behavior as an adult and that is nearly as bad as when we were kids.  It's been suggested that I have nothing further to do with my brother.  Maybe that's the solution.

What now? 

Dear Niece/Nephew,

Over the years I've sent you cards and gifts for your birthdays and on Christmas.  Since I've always chosen the gifts from the list you sent and/or have made sure to send a gift receipt I assume that you've gotten what you wanted.  So I am a bit confused as to why you have never once sent a thank you note (card, email, text or even a phone call). 

If you don't want gifts on these occasions then you should consider not sending the gift list.  Or perhaps you received so many gifts it was just too burdensome to have to thank everyone. 

Do you realize that when someone gives you a gift it takes time to choose and purchase it, even when you've taken most of the guess work out of it by sending a gift list?  Sending a thank you text might take you 20 seconds.  That is significantly less effort than it took to purchase and send your gift. 

Can you make more of an effort in the future perhaps?  Or would you prefer to get no gifts at all?  Please do let me know.


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Does that sound too harsh?  Truth - I would never send it, but I needed to get it out of my head. 

I need to have a bit more positivity in my life.

So, here is my list of things I am grateful for today:

A sweet poodle nuzzling me in the morning
Bananas and nectarines that are just the right amount of ripe
The last few hot days of summer
Reading a good book and knowing I have 4 more to read when I am finished
Really good bread
Creamy European style butter
Sweet corn on the cob bought roadside from the farmer

Hmmm.  Most of my list involves food.  Yes, I love food and I love to cook.  Today or tomorrow I am planning to make these rolls:  http://ruhlman.com/2010/02/buttermilk-dinner-rolls/  I can't wait to taste them!

What if it's acceptance instead of forgiveness?

I think what I need to do is accept that my sibling relationships are just going to be unsatisfying.  Nothing I do will change it, because they are not going to change magically into people I like (or who like me).  So I am going to just back away for a while. 

So do I quit giving gifts to them?  To my nieces and nephew?  I NEVER get a thank you, not via phone, text, email or god-forbid an actual hand written note.  And if gifts are the only contact you have with a person, why bother?  Should I send a card?  No card?  Nothing at all?  It feels mean to send nothing at all or just a card.  But I absolutely dread having to shop for these people.  I suppose that means I should just send a card.  :-(