She's never going to...

be on my side.  Never.  She (my mother) is all about her crazy, narcissistic son.  Period.  She told me I needed to talk to my brother about the plans in his will to have me take care of his children.  He's not speaking to me right now, so why would I talk to him about it?  Frankly it doesn't change anything, because it's not as if I would refuse to do as the will asks.  That's really not bothering me, it's my mothers OBSESSION with making sure all is right in my brother's world.  Doesn't matter the cost to anyone else.  It's always been this way and apparently it always will be.

Dismantling my re-write of my childhood is painful. The made up story was so much nicer than the real deal.  I think it's just going to be tough going for a while.  But, I don't think I'd be here if I couldn't get through it.

I liked my life better before...

It was easier not to admit to myself that my childhood was painful.  Easier to pretend everything was OK.  Now I'm left with a bag of crap and I've got to deal with it. 

It is quite tempting to ask to transfer to an office out of the country.  I could make that happen. Just get as far away as possible.  Never see my family of origin again.  I know that's running away - so obvious. 

But, it's all just to painful to handle.  And it's too painful to not handle.  I know I need to let it all go.  There is nothing to be gained from hashing it out with a pack of narcissists.  But I feel so angry and so alone.  How will I turn it around and move on?  I know that I need to set some boundaries and hold to them.  I know I need to forget that about ever having that warm supportive family because I have not ever had that.  I think the boundary lies within me.  It's internal.  It's how much I leave myself open to them, how much I think I need their love and approval.  I know in my head that I don't need it live, but my heart keeps going back there. 

Still struggling with the drawer...

I can't get all the old family stuff back in the drawer.  But, at least I understand it better now.

I've always known I was raised by a pair of narcissists.  I just never quite understood how dysfunctional my family really was/is.  I suppose I can thank my brother and his treatment of me over the past 6 months for bringing it all up.

I thought it was normal for my brother to chase me with golf clubs trying to beat me up, for him to rip my clothes and jewelry and destroy my possessions...all because he was angry.  And what did my parents do?  Absolutely nothing.  I'm 6 years older so somehow I was supposed to diffuse the problem and deal with it non-violently.  No one ever protected me.  No one ever corrected him.  My mother told us, "little birds in their nest agree."  In other words, don't bother me with YOUR problems (it doesn't matter that we were 2 to 8 years old at the time). 

I thought that's how families were supposed to function.  My therapist recently informed me that this is absolutely not how it should have been and I was surprised.  I wish I could forget all about this.  It's not like I can be mad at my 72+ year old parents.  Somehow being mad at my brother for the old stuff seems unfair.  But, he is responsible for his behavior as an adult and that is nearly as bad as when we were kids.  It's been suggested that I have nothing further to do with my brother.  Maybe that's the solution.

What now?