A retentive memory is a good thing,

but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness.

Forgiveness. It is such a difficult thing...something that is more for you than the person or people you need to forgive.

I've kept myself stuck in a very bad place by not forgiving myself or my family. I think I need to work on forgiving myself first. Maybe then I would be able to see some light at the end of this. Right now I just can't see any good in my family of origin (mother, father, sister, brother). I don't see how I'll ever have any kind of easy or light relationship with them, much less anything meaningful. I think about how I could have done something differently to change that or how I could in the future do something differently or be a different person. That's not the answer. I am the person I am. No more, no less. Perhaps I just need to let myself off the hook for all of it. I've made and continue to make all the effort...all the travel, the gifts, cards, etc. It's not that they do nothing, but I've gotten a total of two visits (one from each sibling) in the past 6 years. My brother does call occasionally and prior to his situation they did write thank you notes. My sister's kids have NEVER written one. Not one. Not an email, no calls, nothing. If it were not for package tracking I'd think nothing was ever delivered there. It's not that I buy things they don't want either...I choose from the birthday or Christmas list that is emailed faithfully before each occasion. I think the message they are sending me (particularly my sister) is that they just do not value me. So, I think I need to stop for a while. I have tried to keep some kind of family link, but it's not valued or not important or they just do not like me. It makes me very sad, but I do need to move on.

It is not flesh and blood...

but the heart that makes us family.

So very true.  The people I am related to are no longer my family.  Those whom I've chosen to love and share my life with are.  How did I not understand this until now?

Those flesh and blood people have not been there for me for many many years and do not know me.  They do not ask about my life, my family or my work when we speak unless they want something from me (Christmas time).  Apparently nothing about me is of interest to them.  I've understood that for a while and it hurt me.  I thought I needed their approval and love.  But, I've come to realize (after that horrible visit) they are not people I would seek out as friends.  That makes me sad, but also frees me at the same time.  Why would I need love or approval from people I don't really respect or like? 

How did we come from the same parents and turn out so differently?  My sister has a college degree from a good university.  Instead of making her own way in the world, she got married and had two children.  She worked until the first one was born and then never went back.  The first is in high school and the second in middle school.  She was a teacher.  My sister could be influencing the lives of many young people.  Instead, she plays tennis, golf and works out obsessively.  And doesn't eat.  She does absolutely nothing for her community (that I know of...but it is entirely possible that she does).  And she judges EVERYONE very harshly.  Particularly our mother.  Strange thing though...she's very much like my mother in many ways.

My brother is a narcissistic man child, whose worst personality traits have been brought out by his very bad personal situation (terminally ill wife and two small children).  He's also a bit of a hoarder.  He bought a beautiful home and then he moved in.  It's lovely on the outside and complete chaos on the inside.  Boxes of crap, very little furniture, toys everywhere, beds on the floor and junk on all the counters.  I'd think it was just the illness, but he's always lived this way.  I absolutely hate being inside his home.  It makes me anxious.

Who am I?  I have a college degree and am a certified professional who's been working since I was 16.  I've been married and divorced twice.  I am currently in a relationship and have been for the past 11 years.  We consider ourselves partners for life.  We should probably get married but likely will not for many more years.  Odd?  Yes, but our situation works well for us.  Neither of us have children.  Both of us wanted children when we were younger and then eventually decided against having them around the time we met.  We both enjoy some children and dislike others.  I'd like to do more in my community than I do now...I donate money and a little time to causes I believe in.  I am looking forward to the day when I can ramp down my career and increase my volunteer work.

It we appreciate what we have, it always becomes more.

If we belittle what we have, it always becomes less.  I am grateful for:

• My partner in life.  He's smart, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and handsome.
• Miss Poodle, my sassy standard poodle girl. 
• Running early in the morning when it's peaceful and the day holds so much promise.
• Books, lots of books.
• My job, which challenges me daily (mostly in a good way).
• Jazzercise - dancing with some great people everyday is so much fun!
• A big, juicy Cabernet Sauvignon.
• The birds that eat at the feeders and bathe in the birdbath outside my office window.  Bird theater!
• Strong coffee early in the morning. 
• A warm dog on a cold morning.
• Lazy Sundays with my favorites piled up on the couch watching Breaking Bad.
• Holidays with just the two of us...or maybe with friends.
• Toes in the sand, book in my hand, tropical beverage in the other hand, and the sound and sight of blue Caribbean waters.
• The chance to do it better tomorrow.

Half our trouble comes of wanting to have our own way...

and the other half is due to failure to face the facts.


I would very much like to have a different family.  One that did not make me feel so anxious, like I must be perfect, do everything right and be the one who just takes it and never says anything. 


I always go into a visit thinking (hoping) it will all be fine.  It never is, never has been.  I come home feeling sad, less, exhausted, tricked.  I suppose it's me doing the tricking, because if I didn't I'd never see any of them.  Because I hate how I feel about myself when I am around them. 

But if I just walk away then what?  I sometimes feel as though I'll be adrift in the world with nothing, no one.  That isn't true though.  I have a wonderful home with my partner of 11 years and our sassy girl dog.  I like my job very much and I could not work for a better company.  I enjoy my friends.  We travel to places I love to go.  Isn't that everything? 


Why do I still want a family who actually cares about me?  Why is that important?  More important than what I am so very lucky to have?  Maybe not more important, but high on the list none the less.

You cannot help people permanently by doing for them what they should do for themselves...

I think this is very true, but it sounds a bit harsh. 

I have a person in my life somewhat (I say somewhat because we do not live in the same area) who demands that those around him help him daily.  To be fair, he's got a bad situation...small children and a sick partner.  However, he's fortunate in that he can well afford to pay for full time assistance.  But, mothers and mothers in law help free of charge.  And the mothers do everything - cooking, laundry, child care, car pools, etc.  While I do have a lot of sympathy for the situation, it is painful to watch people (one of whom is my mom) being used like appliances.

If it ended there I think it would not bother me as much, but there is also much verbal abuse given out...yelling, name calling, melting down like a 5 year old when things do not go his way, and telling lies meant to upset others and create drama.  I hear about it because my dear mother gets frustrated and needs to vent.  I wish I did not know that he's still treating her the same way he did when he was a child.  It makes me dislike him, and I feel guilty for disliking someone I used to enjoy, someone who is family, someone I thought grew up, someone who is living in a very difficult situation. 

The truth is, he's a narcissistic drama queen.  And unfortunately he is my mother's golden child.