Narcissistic Family System...

I read this article:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-portrait

It describes my family completely.  Particularly the lack of direct communication.  Yes, we communicate, but not to each other.  Generally about each other but not to each other.  But all of the article rings true. 

I think what is important for me to do is to accept that as a child I had no power to change how my family functioned.  And, as an adult I similarly do not have that power.  I cannot change my family of origin.  My fantasy family, the one I told myself I had, does not exist.  It never did, and it never will.  Thinking that if I just said or did the right thing that everything would suddenly turn out differently and that I'd have the loving, warm family I'd always hoped for was dysfunctional.  If I am going to create the warm and loving family I want, then giving up the fantasy family of origin is necessary.  Painful, but very necessary.

I'm not sure what the road ahead holds, but it has to be better than the one I've travelled.  I feel sometimes like I've survived my life, but not really lived. it.  That is sad.  I want better for myself.  I think I deserve better.  I hope I can figure out how to move beyond all of this to a better place.

Treading water...

That's what I am still doing.  I continue to be stuck.  I continue to feel hatred (yes, hatred) for my mother, sister and brother.  Stepping back has not helped me.  I am still going to therapy weekly and trying to resolve this but I just feel more and more angry.  If I just dropped out I wonder if any of those people would even notice?  Doubtful.  The only people of significance in their narcissistic existences are themselves.  I think that says it all.  And, it also tells me that I need to just drop it, drop them.  I don't want to, but I cannot continue to let this occupy me.  It has me gutted.  I have to accept that these people do not know me, do not love me.  They are nothing to me and I to them.