“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."

I have been drinking poison.  This is so very true.  I've felt angry and resentful for over a YEAR!  Awful.  Just awful.  Forgiveness might have saved me some trouble.  I know I need to move on and I know I need to forgive to be able to do that.  But, I can't.  I just can't forgive.  I still feel so much hate.  How does one forgive someone and stop hating them?  I cannot imaging doing it right now.  I understand I need to for myself, but I just can't see how to do it.

How do I forgive a person who tried to assault me, repeatedly?

Connecting the past to the present

That is what I am working through.  I am not entirely clear on the concept, but I am slowly unraveling things and putting them together.

My anger and sadness over the past year is primarily a product of the past, brought on by events that occurred over the previous year.  Now all of that makes sense.  What my "brother" did last year wasn't really what made me feel so bad.  It was how everyone else reacted (supporting the golden one) and then how it reminded me of the way I was treated as a child.  It also brought up a few conversations about how he abused me (physically) and whether or not this was normal "boys will be boys" or something bad.  My therapist says it's not normal, and everyone I informally polled about their experiences with their siblings thought it went well beyond normal fights.  And, it did.  My brother is a violent person.  Both in words and deeds.  My therapist continues to assert that further contact with him would probably not be a good idea.  And, I agree.  Finally.  I've not initiated any contact with him in 9 months.  He called me one time so I could talk to his kids (ugh...I don't like those kids).  I've not initiated a phone call with my sister or my mom in many months either.  My mom still calls me, and frankly I've no desire to cut off contact with her.  Sister doesn't call and you know, that's fine. 

"You're not a mother...

you wouldn't understand."  Good grief!  Is there any more offensive thing to say to someone who doesn't have children?  It's as if unless you've squeezed out a baby you are too stupid to understand simple emotions!  My mother said this to me and I really did just want to get up and walk out.  She fails to understand how obnoxious that sounds.  We were discussing my brother and how he wants everyone to do things for him for free and agree with him.  She thinks if I were a mother I would understand why it was OK for him to behave like a jerk.  I don't think I would want the world to revolve around me if I were a mother.  And I fail to understand how any person's lifestyle choices should obligate others.

I was raised by and with people who can't see beyond their own noses.  How did I ever make it out alive?  Raised by wolves...

Lonely and afraid...

I am feeling so low.  I would like to shake this off and move beyond it but I can't seem to.  I have lost what I never had again.  Why does that hurt so much?  I suppose I created a completely fake version of my family that loved me so I wouldn't feel so sad and alone.  Now, I have lost that and I just feel so sad.  Why am I worth so little to them?

I know in my head that I am a worthy person, but my heart just doesn't feel it.  I know in my head that I am capable, functional and responsible - there are many people in my life who seem to think so.  They employ me, befriend me.  But none of those people are related to me.  Maybe that's the answer...stay away from people related to me.  Perhaps they are the ones who are not worthy?

Better to do a kindness near home than walk a thousand miles to burn incense.  I need to focus on the home I have, not the one I never had.  I need to feel sad for that little girl I was and then tell her it will be OK.  That her worth is not determined by those people.  I want her to understand that she did not cause it, couldn't control it and can't fix it now.  I would tell her she is worthy of love, that she deserves to be treated well.  Her sadness is keeping her from living the life she wants to have.

Narcissistic Family System...

I read this article:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-portrait

It describes my family completely.  Particularly the lack of direct communication.  Yes, we communicate, but not to each other.  Generally about each other but not to each other.  But all of the article rings true. 

I think what is important for me to do is to accept that as a child I had no power to change how my family functioned.  And, as an adult I similarly do not have that power.  I cannot change my family of origin.  My fantasy family, the one I told myself I had, does not exist.  It never did, and it never will.  Thinking that if I just said or did the right thing that everything would suddenly turn out differently and that I'd have the loving, warm family I'd always hoped for was dysfunctional.  If I am going to create the warm and loving family I want, then giving up the fantasy family of origin is necessary.  Painful, but very necessary.

I'm not sure what the road ahead holds, but it has to be better than the one I've travelled.  I feel sometimes like I've survived my life, but not really lived. it.  That is sad.  I want better for myself.  I think I deserve better.  I hope I can figure out how to move beyond all of this to a better place.

Treading water...

That's what I am still doing.  I continue to be stuck.  I continue to feel hatred (yes, hatred) for my mother, sister and brother.  Stepping back has not helped me.  I am still going to therapy weekly and trying to resolve this but I just feel more and more angry.  If I just dropped out I wonder if any of those people would even notice?  Doubtful.  The only people of significance in their narcissistic existences are themselves.  I think that says it all.  And, it also tells me that I need to just drop it, drop them.  I don't want to, but I cannot continue to let this occupy me.  It has me gutted.  I have to accept that these people do not know me, do not love me.  They are nothing to me and I to them.

God sends trials not to impair us,

but to improve us.  I hope that is true.  I am not sure the past year has done much to improve me, but maybe...

I don't think my giant step back from my family has done much to change my perspective.  Nor has it improved my feelings towards them.  So, I can only conclude that I am still missing something here.  It isn't yet resolved.  I still feel much animosity towards my mother, brother and sister.  It has me feeling guilty and uncomfortable.  Still, I want to just disappear from them.  Move away, leave no forwarding address.  If I could work it out, I would take a transfer out of the country.  Work-wise I could make it happen, however it would mean leaving my family of choice and I am not willing to do that.  Besides, part of the move would be running away and wherever you go, you take yourself with you.  So, I'd still have the same set of issues.  Also, I am about as far away from them as I can get and still be in the US and still I struggle.  An ocean would not change that.

Dysfunction junction...

I cannot believe how completely I have deceived myself in regards to my family of origin.  I know I did it to survive, but it is entirely heartbreaking to pick it all apart.  It just has me feeling entirely alone, because the reality is I don't have much of a family at all.  But, I never did so I suppose this is nothing new.  The new part is that I am admitting to myself that I've pretty much been family-less for 30 years now.  Part of me is very hurt and and very angry.  So, I am continuing my step-back.  I think I am going to be better off just standing in the distance from now on.  It is not what I want, but I can't continue to be responsible for 100% of all family relationships can I?  I need to see what is real and what is just my hope for a warm and wonderful family.  What a joke I am.  And, to top it off I can't shake the hate I feel for both of my siblings.  I am not sure I ever want to speak to either of them again.  But, never say never I suppose.  I can't predict the future, but it doesn't look good.

She's never going to...

be on my side.  Never.  She (my mother) is all about her crazy, narcissistic son.  Period.  She told me I needed to talk to my brother about the plans in his will to have me take care of his children.  He's not speaking to me right now, so why would I talk to him about it?  Frankly it doesn't change anything, because it's not as if I would refuse to do as the will asks.  That's really not bothering me, it's my mothers OBSESSION with making sure all is right in my brother's world.  Doesn't matter the cost to anyone else.  It's always been this way and apparently it always will be.

Dismantling my re-write of my childhood is painful. The made up story was so much nicer than the real deal.  I think it's just going to be tough going for a while.  But, I don't think I'd be here if I couldn't get through it.

I liked my life better before...

It was easier not to admit to myself that my childhood was painful.  Easier to pretend everything was OK.  Now I'm left with a bag of crap and I've got to deal with it. 

It is quite tempting to ask to transfer to an office out of the country.  I could make that happen. Just get as far away as possible.  Never see my family of origin again.  I know that's running away - so obvious. 

But, it's all just to painful to handle.  And it's too painful to not handle.  I know I need to let it all go.  There is nothing to be gained from hashing it out with a pack of narcissists.  But I feel so angry and so alone.  How will I turn it around and move on?  I know that I need to set some boundaries and hold to them.  I know I need to forget that about ever having that warm supportive family because I have not ever had that.  I think the boundary lies within me.  It's internal.  It's how much I leave myself open to them, how much I think I need their love and approval.  I know in my head that I don't need it live, but my heart keeps going back there. 

Still struggling with the drawer...

I can't get all the old family stuff back in the drawer.  But, at least I understand it better now.

I've always known I was raised by a pair of narcissists.  I just never quite understood how dysfunctional my family really was/is.  I suppose I can thank my brother and his treatment of me over the past 6 months for bringing it all up.

I thought it was normal for my brother to chase me with golf clubs trying to beat me up, for him to rip my clothes and jewelry and destroy my possessions...all because he was angry.  And what did my parents do?  Absolutely nothing.  I'm 6 years older so somehow I was supposed to diffuse the problem and deal with it non-violently.  No one ever protected me.  No one ever corrected him.  My mother told us, "little birds in their nest agree."  In other words, don't bother me with YOUR problems (it doesn't matter that we were 2 to 8 years old at the time). 

I thought that's how families were supposed to function.  My therapist recently informed me that this is absolutely not how it should have been and I was surprised.  I wish I could forget all about this.  It's not like I can be mad at my 72+ year old parents.  Somehow being mad at my brother for the old stuff seems unfair.  But, he is responsible for his behavior as an adult and that is nearly as bad as when we were kids.  It's been suggested that I have nothing further to do with my brother.  Maybe that's the solution.

What now? 

Dear Niece/Nephew,

Over the years I've sent you cards and gifts for your birthdays and on Christmas.  Since I've always chosen the gifts from the list you sent and/or have made sure to send a gift receipt I assume that you've gotten what you wanted.  So I am a bit confused as to why you have never once sent a thank you note (card, email, text or even a phone call). 

If you don't want gifts on these occasions then you should consider not sending the gift list.  Or perhaps you received so many gifts it was just too burdensome to have to thank everyone. 

Do you realize that when someone gives you a gift it takes time to choose and purchase it, even when you've taken most of the guess work out of it by sending a gift list?  Sending a thank you text might take you 20 seconds.  That is significantly less effort than it took to purchase and send your gift. 

Can you make more of an effort in the future perhaps?  Or would you prefer to get no gifts at all?  Please do let me know.


**********************************************************************************
Does that sound too harsh?  Truth - I would never send it, but I needed to get it out of my head. 

I need to have a bit more positivity in my life.

So, here is my list of things I am grateful for today:

A sweet poodle nuzzling me in the morning
Bananas and nectarines that are just the right amount of ripe
The last few hot days of summer
Reading a good book and knowing I have 4 more to read when I am finished
Really good bread
Creamy European style butter
Sweet corn on the cob bought roadside from the farmer

Hmmm.  Most of my list involves food.  Yes, I love food and I love to cook.  Today or tomorrow I am planning to make these rolls:  http://ruhlman.com/2010/02/buttermilk-dinner-rolls/  I can't wait to taste them!

What if it's acceptance instead of forgiveness?

I think what I need to do is accept that my sibling relationships are just going to be unsatisfying.  Nothing I do will change it, because they are not going to change magically into people I like (or who like me).  So I am going to just back away for a while. 

So do I quit giving gifts to them?  To my nieces and nephew?  I NEVER get a thank you, not via phone, text, email or god-forbid an actual hand written note.  And if gifts are the only contact you have with a person, why bother?  Should I send a card?  No card?  Nothing at all?  It feels mean to send nothing at all or just a card.  But I absolutely dread having to shop for these people.  I suppose that means I should just send a card.  :-( 

He who forgives, ends the quarrel.

But is it a quarrel if no one is speaking or has even indicated to the other what the problem is?

What if that person has told others they are mad at you, but not you?  Then what? 

Well, I give up.  I refuse to ask my brother why he's mad at me.  Either he is man enough to pick up the phone and tell me or I guess we won't speak for now.  I don't have it in me anymore to take all the responsibility for the relationship.  I do this with my sister too.  And, I am similarly finished with her too.  But, until I forgive them I won't be free. 

What should I forgive them for though?  Being selfish, self-centered and spoiled?  Wanting to take far more than they give?  How do I forgive them for that?  I wish someone could help me with this.

Why can't I fit it all back in the drawer it came from?

My family being the it.  Generally when I visit my siblings it takes a small bit of time to get all the emotional stuff it brings up shoved back in the drawer and the drawer slammed shut.  This time, I can't seem to fit it all back in, I can't get the drawer shut.

I think I am a different person in my real life (non-family of origin life).  Or maybe it's that I am viewed differently.  People think I am capable, smart and fun.  I think my family views me as the unstable, not too smart and shy one.  I didn't attend a top college like my siblings did...frankly it wasn't possible financially at the time as my parents were divorcing.  And, I have always been on the shy side, although that has really changed over time.  Maybe the point here is that I have grown and changed, but I get tossed back to where I used to be when I visit.  Then it's hard to shove all the bad feelings it causes me to have about myself, back in the drawer.  This time was particularly bad because I flew across the country only to find out my brother was mad at me and have him treat me like I didn't exist.  My mom said I needed to think about my part in it?!  WTF???  He was mad because I expressed a viewpoint he didn't like.  And guess what, I am NOT going to change my viewpoint because someone doesn't like it.  And then there's my sister...she loves to look down on our mother.  I couldn't wait to get the heck out of there.  But, then I brought it all home with me and I've been trying to rid myself of it ever since. 

What do I need to do to extricate myself from it all?

Money will buy a fine dog

but only love will make her wag her tail.

Dogs are sweet, honest, loving, loyal, funny, happy and we should aspire to be more like them.  Sigh happily after finding a good spot in the sun on a lazy afternoon.  Put on your best smile and go for a run in the park.  Jump up and down when you see a friend by chance.  It's all out there, nothing hidden. 

Why don't humans give love freely? 

A retentive memory is a good thing,

but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness.

Forgiveness. It is such a difficult thing...something that is more for you than the person or people you need to forgive.

I've kept myself stuck in a very bad place by not forgiving myself or my family. I think I need to work on forgiving myself first. Maybe then I would be able to see some light at the end of this. Right now I just can't see any good in my family of origin (mother, father, sister, brother). I don't see how I'll ever have any kind of easy or light relationship with them, much less anything meaningful. I think about how I could have done something differently to change that or how I could in the future do something differently or be a different person. That's not the answer. I am the person I am. No more, no less. Perhaps I just need to let myself off the hook for all of it. I've made and continue to make all the effort...all the travel, the gifts, cards, etc. It's not that they do nothing, but I've gotten a total of two visits (one from each sibling) in the past 6 years. My brother does call occasionally and prior to his situation they did write thank you notes. My sister's kids have NEVER written one. Not one. Not an email, no calls, nothing. If it were not for package tracking I'd think nothing was ever delivered there. It's not that I buy things they don't want either...I choose from the birthday or Christmas list that is emailed faithfully before each occasion. I think the message they are sending me (particularly my sister) is that they just do not value me. So, I think I need to stop for a while. I have tried to keep some kind of family link, but it's not valued or not important or they just do not like me. It makes me very sad, but I do need to move on.

It is not flesh and blood...

but the heart that makes us family.

So very true.  The people I am related to are no longer my family.  Those whom I've chosen to love and share my life with are.  How did I not understand this until now?

Those flesh and blood people have not been there for me for many many years and do not know me.  They do not ask about my life, my family or my work when we speak unless they want something from me (Christmas time).  Apparently nothing about me is of interest to them.  I've understood that for a while and it hurt me.  I thought I needed their approval and love.  But, I've come to realize (after that horrible visit) they are not people I would seek out as friends.  That makes me sad, but also frees me at the same time.  Why would I need love or approval from people I don't really respect or like? 

How did we come from the same parents and turn out so differently?  My sister has a college degree from a good university.  Instead of making her own way in the world, she got married and had two children.  She worked until the first one was born and then never went back.  The first is in high school and the second in middle school.  She was a teacher.  My sister could be influencing the lives of many young people.  Instead, she plays tennis, golf and works out obsessively.  And doesn't eat.  She does absolutely nothing for her community (that I know of...but it is entirely possible that she does).  And she judges EVERYONE very harshly.  Particularly our mother.  Strange thing though...she's very much like my mother in many ways.

My brother is a narcissistic man child, whose worst personality traits have been brought out by his very bad personal situation (terminally ill wife and two small children).  He's also a bit of a hoarder.  He bought a beautiful home and then he moved in.  It's lovely on the outside and complete chaos on the inside.  Boxes of crap, very little furniture, toys everywhere, beds on the floor and junk on all the counters.  I'd think it was just the illness, but he's always lived this way.  I absolutely hate being inside his home.  It makes me anxious.

Who am I?  I have a college degree and am a certified professional who's been working since I was 16.  I've been married and divorced twice.  I am currently in a relationship and have been for the past 11 years.  We consider ourselves partners for life.  We should probably get married but likely will not for many more years.  Odd?  Yes, but our situation works well for us.  Neither of us have children.  Both of us wanted children when we were younger and then eventually decided against having them around the time we met.  We both enjoy some children and dislike others.  I'd like to do more in my community than I do now...I donate money and a little time to causes I believe in.  I am looking forward to the day when I can ramp down my career and increase my volunteer work.

It we appreciate what we have, it always becomes more.

If we belittle what we have, it always becomes less.  I am grateful for:

• My partner in life.  He's smart, funny, sweet, thoughtful, and handsome.
• Miss Poodle, my sassy standard poodle girl. 
• Running early in the morning when it's peaceful and the day holds so much promise.
• Books, lots of books.
• My job, which challenges me daily (mostly in a good way).
• Jazzercise - dancing with some great people everyday is so much fun!
• A big, juicy Cabernet Sauvignon.
• The birds that eat at the feeders and bathe in the birdbath outside my office window.  Bird theater!
• Strong coffee early in the morning. 
• A warm dog on a cold morning.
• Lazy Sundays with my favorites piled up on the couch watching Breaking Bad.
• Holidays with just the two of us...or maybe with friends.
• Toes in the sand, book in my hand, tropical beverage in the other hand, and the sound and sight of blue Caribbean waters.
• The chance to do it better tomorrow.